On the Mat

What will it take to get me back? Will there be a sign?  Will I wake up one morning and feel the urge to roll out my mat? Will I find myself practicing yoga again? Why did I ever stop?

I was late to yoga but thanks to three wonderful ladies , Christy, Lynn and Kim, I fell in love with it. From my first downward dog I was hooked.  I had a daily practice and it transformed me inside and out.   

That was then….

Four years ago I packed up my life and moved East (as in Ontario & Quebec). And it is as if my yoga practice did not follow me.  When I arrived I unpacked my mat but I never really got back on it.  I enrolled in a yoga teacher training course in hopes of being inspired.  I wasn’t.  When I got pregnant I took a pre natal yoga class in hopes of inspiration. It did not come.  I bought a new mat thinking maybe I needed a fresh start. Didn't work. I brought my mat everywhere I went in hopes that something would lead me to it.  It came to the beach, the lake, and to the most beautiful gardens.  Nothing seemed to draw me back. 

You would think that having my three year old daughter bring out the mats every day and ask me to do yoga with her would bring me back but it hasn't. She gets so much joy from it. Why can't I?

It feels as though I have lost the part of me that was so inspired by yoga.  The part of me that could find that calm within and carry it through my life. It is like something is blocking my path to my mat. I long for that feeling of tranquility and inner peace.  I miss breathing deep inside my belly and feeling the calm.  I miss the limber body that could once bend itself in to so many beautiful asanas. I miss the me that would be open to the discipline of the practice.

Did I leave her behind? Did she not follow me? Am I hiding her? Will she show herself?

I will keep searching and rolling out my mat in hopes of finding that peaceful, mindful, soulful person that is me - on the mat.